There are things life teaches you without you knowing it at the time. For example, I learned from my parents' divorces what not to do in my own. The only difference between myself and them, I thought, "I was never going to get a divorce!". I made a vow to myself that my children would never have to go through what I had to go through. I wanted them to always have access to both parents. I wanted them to live in one location as a family unit attending one school through all their grade levels graduating from that school system. I wanted them to grow up in a smallish town where they knew the neighbors and there was no worry about playing outside. They could have friends over without fear of what kind of condition their friends would find their parents in. I wanted my kids to grow up with annual traditions like making cookies at the holidays and sending them off to loved ones who did not live near. I wanted to raise my children with faith and within a church family where they felt they could turn for fellowship, in ministry, and in times of distress. I also wanted my kids to live near enough to their extended relatives that they knew them more than by the picture on the wall or a place at the table on holidays. I wanted them to grow up knowing we as parents would not only be there for their events like baseball or softball but we would be a part of it. I would be home for my children and I would take care of my children. My children would feel loved and secure. I would take lots of pictures.... I know I succeeded in almost all of this. I also made mistakes as a human being. Not mistakes like murder or child abuse. The kind of mistakes that hurt feelings. I know sometimes maybe I paid too much attention to my kids giving them the idea that attention was the basis of love. Perhaps I was overly involved giving them the impression performance was the basis of love. Maybe I should have followed through on my instincts to take them to a soup kitchen on Thanksgiving to work as servers to develop an appreciation for what blessings they have. Maybe family vacations could have been missionary trips to foster humility and a servant's heart. I only say all this because as a parent we always wonder if we could have done something different for our kids. When I made that vow I hadn't considered one thing. There are two people in a marriage relationship and I cannot control that other person. Therefore, my vow was not reasonable for me assess to myself alone. I gave my children all these things. When the divorce was filed against me, I used the knowledge from my parent's divorce and the knowledge from my own life to do what was best for my children. I knew I wouldn't be able to stay in the community and make a living. If my kids came with me they would lose everything I had spent my whole life giving them. I couldn't bear to take that away from them. I wanted to be with my children more than anything but I wanted what was best for them more. When I made that decision, I wanted to curl up and die. I would get up in the middle of the night looking out at the moon and just cry...and pray over them...willing that they would feel my arms around them. I hoped they could feel my kiss upon their head as they slept. There are things life teaches you without knowing it at the time. I succeeded in giving my children all the best that I had hoped and then the best I could hope for in a bad situation. What I learned is it still doesn't necessarily change the outlook of the children in the divorce. They still feel abandoned. They still blame someone. They still say, "Ill never put my children through divorce!" All I can do is say, "I hope your are right. Life doesn't always work out the way we think it will." You don't always get to keep your marriage. You don't always get to keep your kids. The one thing you do get to keep is your integrity by the decisions you make in the best interest of everyone. Once you lose integrity, I'm not sure you can ever get it back. Maybe my kids can't see the gift of my integrity yet but I can see the results of my decisions in their lives. I would make the same choice -- for them.